Lauren Yates

The Therapist Speaks on Mania

I put up a Craigslist ad: looking to smoke weed then fuck all day. Dan writes back. He says he is free after 3:30 p.m. and he doesn’t smoke weed. Dan is a straight white man. Dan is the only graphic designer I know who doesn’t smoke weed. Dan knows he does not meet my two criteria and expects to be chosen anyway. Because I am too eager to compromise my needs, I invite Dan to my place. Dan says he will lick my asshole. Dan says he will take his time. As we are fucking, he panics and asks what time it is. I tell him 4:00. He says, “I have to pick up my kid.” Dan goes to stranger’s houses for sex, instead of picking up his child. What the fuck, Dan? I get off of Dan. He leaves the condom on my bedspread that’s now soaked through with his sweat.

I see a tote bag on the Internet. It says, “Carry yourself with the confidence of a mediocre white man.” I only apply to jobs I’m qualified for. There are probably jobs I’m qualified for that I don’t apply to because I don’t think I’m good enough or I don’t know about them or I lose them to assholes like Dan.

When I ask, why is _______ so shitty? The answer is usually white supremacy. When I ask, why do I do these things? The answer is usually mania.

My Facebook friend starts a hashtag: #ThingsIDidWhileManic. I read through the comments and see things I’ve done. I want to comment. That I’ve shaved my head. I’ve intentionally slammed the brakes and swerved and sped when my mother pissed me off. I fucked four men in four days (not all protected). I’ve stood in my hallway naked, waiting for my neighbors to see me. I’ve drunk a bottle of clementine vodka and eaten three weed brownies. I’ve dated a man 38 years older than I am and dumped him for his son. I’ve smoked a pack of menthols in one sitting. I’ve hit my ex. I’ve hit a different ex. I’ve written 20-page love letters with hidden read receipts. I can’t bring myself to comment. I am studying to be a therapist. My professors and textbooks tell me not to reveal anything about myself. To be a blank slate. To never admit I’m not okay, either.

My ex-girlfriend is a therapist. My ex-girlfriend is a gay white woman. She and I break up because she’s not okay, either. Because she’s like Dan. I told her sex is a mandatory part of a relationship for me. We didn’t have any. At all. Aside from the one time she thought we were scissoring and she was just humping my thigh and I just laid there.

I tell my girlfriend, she isn’t fulfilling my needs. She says, I know. I cannot get angry without somebody calling me crazy. Because of my past. Because of my skin color. I am not allowed to fall apart. To be anything less than what anyone expects. I am not okay. And isn’t that the opposite of mediocrity.

Twelve Thoughts on Depression

I.
My grandmother calls herself a “Depression Baby.”
Born in 1933, she came along at a miserable time.
She says her family got through it
by refusing to show signs of weakness.

II.
She says she worries about my nerves.
She whispers, as if covering up a dirty habit.
I ask her why she cannot call it what it is.

III.
The first time I told my mom I was depressed,
she laughed. “But you have it so good,” she said.
After that, I took “sad” to mean “ungrateful,”
and thought asking for help was a sign of weakness.

IV.
He and I feared becoming zombies.
We can tell “smart” from “obedient.”
We know that doctors prescribe Prozac at the drop of a hat.

V.
My aunt’s pet cockatiel takes Prozac.

VI.
He said, “All great writers are depressed.
Why quit the tortured genius club?”

“Why apply for grad school?
Let depression be your terminal degree.”

VII.
I said, “Medication treats symptoms,
but does not cure them.”

If sickness ever disappeared completely,
the drug lords would go out of business.

They’d have to sell their vacation homes,
and who are we to deny them relaxation
from the stress of honest work.

VIII.
Rock bottom is everything they say it is.
Like heaven or hell, it is not a place,
but a language you cannot understand
until you have nothing.

IX.
It’s been a year since I started medication.
I wonder if he yells “traitor” in his sleep,
if he dreams we’re Bonnie and Clyde,
and I’ve turned us into the police.

X.
My psychiatrist says that one day,
I can come off the pills completely.

I hope sooner than later.
I have always wanted children.

XI.
At the hospital, a baby was born broken.
While pregnant, his mother had stayed on her pills.
It was either this, or the risk of her killing them both.

Sometimes, I wonder who decided
that it’s fine if you are damaged,
as long as you aren’t dead.

XII.
My grandmother calls herself a “Depression Baby.”
Born in 1933, she came along at a miserable time.

I worry my son will, too. That he will be born
broken, and will gorge himself on tainted milk.
That he will inherit a sickness he never asked for.

I hope he never learns the language of rock bottom,
but if he does, it is a language I still know how to speak.

What does it mean to have empathy
for the very affliction you caused?

It means that there is no one else
better equipped to love him than me.


Lauren T. Yates is a poet from Oceanside, CA. In 2012, Lauren earned her B.A. in English with a Creative Writing Emphasis from the University of Pennsylvania. Her work has appeared, or is forthcoming, in Bettering American Poetry 2015, Rust + Moth, Hermeneutic Chaos, and Connotation Press. Lauren’s work focuses on her identities as a queer black femme living with C-PTSD. In her free time, she enjoys watching RuPaul’s Drag Race, dancing to Joy Division, and eating gyros. For more information, visit http://www.laurentyates.com.

JP Howard

Ghazal for Sugar Hill Secrets or Lullaby for Harlem

Mama’s lover was a secret,
wrapped around decades of bittersweet dreams

When sleep visits, I mimic Mama, 
escort secret lovers into my dreams

I think we are all, always dying here,
these bodies buried under dreams

Grandma Pearl lived-in with rich white folks on Sutton Place,
scrubbed their dirty clothes, while folding up her dreams 

Weekends brought Grandma back to Harlem,
her pot liquor so exquisite, it lives on in my dreams

Sugar Hill stories still run through these veins,
summer stoops hold old men’s shattered dreams 

Mama strutted across runways in her heyday, proud to be the first black model 
in Harlem who couldn’t pass for white, not even in folk’s dreams 

When she strolled up St. Nicholas, with her high yella baby in tow,
neighbors cooed, Look at that good hair, ain’t she a dream?

Mama hid behind an exquisite mask, on a ledge of black joy, 
then swallowed bottles of pills; nearly crushed both our dreams 

Alone, at night, I’m just a scared little girl screaming, Please Mama wake up!
while EMT’s who found Mama’s pulse, still haunt my dreams

Sugar Hill, she be smooth like Ella’s jazz notes, 
belting Dream a Little Dream for Me

One Sunday morning, church elders on Lenox Ave whispered 
Ain’t she the Pastor’s child?  as they washed away my dreams

Yes, I am that light-skinned fractured flashback,
Mama’s love child, snapshot of her wildest dream

Still, in silence of night, I hear her whisper,
Juliet, baby, you were Mama’s best dream. 


JP Howard’s debut poetry collection, SAY/MIRROR, was a 2016 Lambda Literary finalist. She is also the author of bury your love poems here (Belladonna*). JP was a 2017 Split this Rock Freedom Plow Award for Poetry & Activism finalist and is featured in the 2017 Lesbian Poet Trading Card Series from Headmistress Press. She was the recipient of a 2016 Lambda Literary Judith A. Markowitz Emerging Writer Award and has received fellowships and grants from Cave Canem, VONA, Lambda, Astraea and Brooklyn Arts Council. JP curates Women Writers in Bloom Poetry Salon, a NY-based forum offering women writers a monthly venue to collaborate and is an Editor-at-Large at Mom Egg Review online. JP’s poetry and essays have appeared or are forthcoming in Academy of American Poets, Apogee Journal, The Feminist Wire, Split this Rock, Muzzle Magazine, and The Best American Poetry Blog. JP holds a BA from Barnard College and an MFA in Creative Writing from The City College of New York. Photo Credit: Rachel Eliza Griffiths

Isa Benn

4th Time Around

Milk of Magnesia Pt. 2

Having Now Fallen In Love Again 1/3

The Intended Taste

Caged Bird Blues

Slumberland


Twenty-six-year-old award-winning Screenwriter, Playwright, Filmmaker, and Multimedia Visual Artist Isa Benn is currently based out of Toronto, Canada. She is a first generation, Toronto-born, of African-Canadian and Caribbean-Canadian descent. With several highly visual-sensory ‘handicaps,’ including synesthesia and or ideasthesia, she has parlayed these long-time impediments into an extraordinary understanding of visceral-visual language and expression. Her stylistically introspective work deals predominantly with experiential culturalism, colour, class, sexuality, gender, and magical realism.

Chloë Rose

Haunted

In the dark I said to her
these two things should not be wed
in one hand I held surrender
in the other I held mauve
the dream cloud had me caught
while behind her a cloaked pillar
a shadow
fringed in ruffles like midnight’s abalone
towered as a grim love

I traced the lines of her face
leaving a dotted trail of mauve marks
like stitches
sewing onto this unmemory
a face I’d like to forget

*

They woke up the deadname and said that I had died / said that I had killed myself / how many of them are there that deadname me / a family made of mismatched broken cups / they say to me in their own minds that you’ll always be my Jacob / the mauve breath of selfishness disguised as love / an abuse scar / a fever fall in the pregnant mauve dark / the way the deadname wafts up as a miasma of loss / how spent the effort was to get you to call me by my actual name / my self-erected oracle / mauve: the color of the bruise that rests right where the name hangs on me / continues to hang each time it is ever used

*

I am a house full of ghosts
in a world without sage, without
stars, without light or salt.

I am a study of the way gray looks when they’re royalty.

How many ghosts must I always carry with me?
How much more must I expand to accommodate?

I heard once
that trauma is a sliver in the brain
and flashbacks are your brain’s way
of getting the sliver out

Memory is a mauve ghost
hanging like a cloth, years
the breeze that unsettles the panels
just before the recollection
Mauve: the cold flame of air
of twilit skies, grey and red
like the neurons of the brain

When you’re dead to so many people
who’ve taken away your name,
isn’t it your holy prerogative to burn
the ghost of them out, the lamp
shuttered like a house?

Future arsonists:
Will it always burn?

MEDITATION ON GARDENIAS

the petals         decayed white         nicotine patina         yellowed lace         tea paper
petals         white         pungent         denatured in self-acid           delicate, lonely parfumerie
petal and stem           calling through olfactory neurons the edges of a distant memory
exchanged, electrified data             petals recalling a memory a vacuole of air from long ago 
housed in the brain         admixture of molecules imprinted         petal-matrix         stem and leaf
bone, mitochondria         placental ridges         scents         odors         petals pressed into fat
enfleurage         fat absorbs scents         fat holds onto hormones         memory confit
petal-memory:   to smell a flower, to place it on a coffee table, to watch it rot over a few days time
petals         so delicate they brown the same day the flower was picked
so pungent that the aroma still rises from the trash bin                petal-memory:
the bushes taller than me         white petals as big as my hand         the ants drowning in the sink

*

Our  grandparents  had  a ten-foot  long  row  of  Gardenias  in  the
back   of  their  house  and  their  yard   was  home  to  a  variety  of
tropical  fauna:  Mountain   Apple.   Guava.   Avocado.    Tangerine.
Plumeria.   We’d  pluck  fruit   right  from  the  trees   and  bite  into
succulent,  raw  flesh.  The Gardenias we’d gather  and  we’d wash
in an ancient sink caked with laundry detergent and lint  from  the
dryer  that had gotten wet and dried  over  in  successive  blue and
pale-blue  generations.   Some   petals  would   fall  into   the   dirty
basin.   We’d  check  the  white  flowers  for   black  insects   before
dousing  them again  with  cold,  cold  water,  shaking  the ants off
like  poppy  seeds.  We’d  eat  the  fruit  and  smell  our  bounty  of
flowers   before   deciding   who  we’d   give  our   flowers  to:   the
largest to our mother,  the second largest to our grandmother,  and
the  remainder  to  our bedroom  for us  to  smell.  There  would be
piles of dead flowers  around us  as  we  danced,   and  we’d smell
them,  the piles  of petals,  as we huffed  in the hot  air.  The  petals
would rise  with  our self-made  wind and as  we  finished,  they’d
fall all around us like feathers.

*

If I could keep only one memory, it would be this:
                                                  My grandmother and I – alone at the table. 
                          She uses her fingers to pick up pieces of kugel and roast.
                                    She – our bright genetrix – bites her teeth in worry.
                                                               A bowl of Gardenias sit between us
              Between us – like the cancer cells, like the gap of so many years
                                         the gardenias will sour with the passing of days
   Sour – like the body sours with disease, the body like a wilting flower
                          Here, before the corruption, this moment this singularity
But I cannot keep only one memory; 
I must keep them all. 

Chloë Rose’s gender is Rilke’s dark god: a webbed scrim made of a thousand roots drinking in silence. Also known as B’ellana Johannx, she/they are a fat, queer, femme, non-binary womxn-of-color living with disabilities and their cats Franz and Pepper in Tacoma, WA. Rose/Johannx has been published in The Wanderer, Dream Pop, and Aspasiology, with Pushcart and Bettering American Poetry nominations henny, so watch out! Tweet them about conlangs, antifa, witchcraft, and drag names @llanaandsuchas. If you are a faggot, you are her/their kin and they love you. May the peace of the Goddess and God be upon you. #SMIB

Hazem Fahmy

In which a Mother Discovers She is God, While a Child Discovers Baseball

And does not cup
her mouth in horror.
She knew all along
this sweet blasphemy
was coming. How else
can you explain that patience
and its imperfect holy.

And he asks himself again:
what am I doing in this shadow
of a country? Men in tight trousers
dart across a field, while he basks
in whatever sun Connecticut has to offer,
a crude joke of a Spring.

And she is relieved, for once.
And he forgets the rain falling on him passively.

And they will meet again,
in an empty airport
and remember
their skin.

Excavation of Hazem’s Mouth

         hello again
                  fag mouth
         pride hole
                  keeper of secrets
                  sometimes
         releaser of dreams
                  have you come
         to taunt me
                  tightfisted mouth
         clenchedattheseams
                  alwaysreadyforafight mouth
         gobacktowhereyoucamefrom mouth
                  didyourayrabfamilyteachyoutospeaklikethat mouth
         fantasizedaboutfirebreathing mouth
                  where
                  is my epic now
         shattered boys crouch between
                  these yellowed teeth
         and i lick them all
                  between meals
         ill come back
                  with a cigarette
         tomorrow
                  and suffocate them


Hazem Fahmy is a poet and critic from Cairo. He is an Honors graduate of Wesleyan University’s College of Letters where he studied literature, philosophy, history and film. His poetry has appeared, or is forthcoming in Apogee, HEArt, Mizna, and The Offing. His performances have been featured on Button Poetry and Write About Now. His debut chapbook, Red//Jild//Prayer, is forthcoming from Finishing Line Press this Fall. He is a poetry editor for Voicemail Poems and a contributing writer to Film Inquiry. In his spare time, Hazem writes about the Middle East and tries to come up with creative ways to mock Classicism. He makes videos occasionally.

Rachel Cordasco translating Serena Fiandro

Tears and Honey

By Serena Fiandro (originally in Il lettore di fantasia, May 2016), translated from the Italian by Rachel Cordasco

[“trobairitz”: a female troubadour who wrote lyrics that followed the courtly love tradition of the troubadours; these lyrics included themes of adulterous love, the elevation of the lady over the man who loves her, and the torturous nature of romantic love]


“Ten gold coins.”

“Five plus the carcass.”

“Seven.” The poacher’s eyes were tense. Shayreen remained unfazed. For what she was offering, he should be paying her, no doubt about that.

“I don’t deal with scum like you,” said the trobairitz, looking him up and down and pushing the fourth mug of frothy beer toward him to finish. Better not think too much about what she was asking.

Rothar gave up. “Agreed. Five gold coins. Paid in advance.”

“So you can keep the money and the dragon? You will have the money when you bring me the heart.”

Rothar looked at her uneasily. “Agreed,” he said, taking the bag Shayreen held out to him. “It’s light. You’re sure this is all that’s needed to kill Gretthen?”

“A silver knife and net,” replied the trobaritz. “You need nothing else.”

These weapons were purchased on the black market, illegal goods since the Lands of Noon had decreed that the remaining dragons were legally protected.

“All right,” said Rothar, glancing around.

Shayreen knew he was uncomfortable. She didn’t care. “I’ll see you here tomorrow at noon. I swear that if you don’t keep up your end of the agreement, I’ll tear off your balls and feed them to Gretthen.”

The poacher finished his bad beer with a sigh and shook his head. His red beard was covered in foam. “There’s something I don’t understand. You have the silver knife and net. Why not kill him yourself?”

Shayreen stared at him until he lowered his eyes. “I’m paying you. Just do this one.”

He stood up, leaving some copper coins on the tavern table. Rothar had eaten everything that the innkeeper had put in front of him. She, however, hadn’t touched the beer or the food. She didn’t want to end up with a stomach full of rat and rancid beer.

The customers silently turned to look at her, almost fearful of being noticed. She knew the effect that she had on those who met her. Everyone in there had heard about her: a woman, no longer young, but with a spectral beauty, with long blond hair streaked with gray and a long scar that ran the length of her face. She traveled from midday to midnight, carrying with her a harp of dragon strings and a copper rod, the symbol of her order- a rod she no longer had a right to possess.

Nobody knew where she came from or how old she was, but everyone knew that Shayreen, at the right price, was willing to sell any secret.

The trobairitz left the inn. The humid and reddish haze of the fumes coming over the horizon was preferable to the miasma of sweaty, packed bodies in that room with a floor covered in straw to collect vomit. That tavern was the main source of distraction for the miners of Aleyas.

One last night. One last night of stories, tales, secrets.


She walked decisively toward a crumbling building on which remained a single tower where ivy had settled and whose stones had been overtaken by moss and mildew. It had once been a tall castle that had dominated the village, which had changed over the centuries into a dirty and noisy city, inhabited only by miners and the destitute.

Heedless of the heap of glass and bone fragments that obstructed the main entrance, the trobairitz entered through a broken window and went down the stairs into the tower’s basement. The ceiling had collapsed. The dragons didn’t mind the humidity or the drafts, so long as they were free to fly. But this place doesn’t like me. When this is all over, I’ll go to a decent city where there’s no risk of dying of dysentery every time I eat something.

A rich city in the Lands of Midnight, where her services would be rewarded and where she wouldn’t have to perform in front of a few peasants in order to receive stale bread and black cabbage soup. A city where the priests would pay the right price to know the mysteries of her order.

“Shayreen, is that you?” The tower trembled with the voice coming from the basement- a deep voice, but at the same time, a voice as bright as a diamond.

“It’s me,” the trobairitz replied. She took a breath in order to quell her nausea. “I’m here so you can tell me another story.”

I’m truly sorry, Gretthen. But I have no choice.

————————–

Rothar stopped for a moment in front of the dragon. The light of the dawn illuminated its scales, surrounding the creature with a weird halo. Its whole body vibrated, as if it would blend with the sunlight.

What are you waiting for?

One didn’t have to look long at a dragon to risk forgetting what one was going to do. But a poacher is still a poacher and won’t let himself be charmed. The trobairitz could sense his thoughts. Rothar looked at Gretthen’s teeth, reflecting on their worth. The ladies were willing to pay any sum for a pair of dragon-leather boots, and with the bowels of these creatures, they could make harp strings that would stay tuned all winter.

He stopped brooding. The silver knife easily penetrated the scales and met the flesh.

The net. You idiot, you forgot the net.

The tower trembled and a violent noise shook the ancient stone walls. The dragon had risen up and started swaying back and forth with the unbearable pain dealt by the bite of silver. Rothar, panicking, plunged the knife in wherever he could.

“Fuck, I’m ruining the skin,” he had time to say before Gretthen turned on him with his mouth wide open. One of Rothar’s arms rolled across the floor, followed by a stream of blood. Incredulous, the poacher could not even scream and fell to the ground, holding the stump with his remaining hand. The dusty floor was soaked in that green mucus that dragons had instead of blood.

Gretthen writhed in pain. The trobairitz sighed. The dragon was vanquished, even if that idiot had managed to complicate a simple operation. It could have just been one precise blow to the eye. She was now forced to intervene. She needed that heart.

First, I have an account to settle with the poacher.

“Piece of shit,” she said, hitting him with the copper rod.

Rothar lifted his face toward her. The green liquid and the blood on his face prevented him from opening his eyes. “What are you doing?” he murmured in a thin voice.

“Go fuck yourself in Hell, poacher,” Shayreen hissed. She continued to strike him until his head was reduced to a bloody pulp. “Scum.”

“There’s no argument that he’s scum,” Gretthen interjected with his usual ironic tone, in which, however, the trobairitz could detect his weakness.

“It seems like everyone wants to skin me. It’s the third time, since the last moon.”

“Perhaps,” Shayreen retorted. Her voice didn’t tremble, but she worried that the dragon could sense the accelerated beating of her heart.

“I just want you to explain why you want me dead.”

The trobairitz turned to look at him, simulating indignation. But she soon realized that Gretthen wouldn’t let himself be fooled. He knew. She wondered how much.

“Do you really need the money? Or is there another reason?” His voice was getting weaker.

“No reason,” Shayreen said through her teeth.

“I know you, trobairitz; I know you don’t do something for nothing. I’m dying. You can tell me.”

“It’s complicated.” The woman recovered the silver net from Rothar’s bag. Although the dragon was weakened from its “blood” loss, she didn’t dare approach it before paralyzing it.

“Who are you trying to defend yourself against?”

The trobairitz stood for a moment staring at the net in her hand before throwing it over him. “What are you talking about?”

Gretthen laughted but was interrupted by a death rattle that shook his whole body. “Do you not see that I’m dying? You can tell me the truth, I can’t pass it on to anyone. I knew from the first day. Someone wants you dead. It can’t be a man- you wouldn’t be so scared. Is it a god?”

“A goddess.” Shayreen approached the dragon with the knife in her hand. She had to extract the heart before all of the “blood” drained out, otherwise the heart would become a piece of rock indistinguishable from those that made up the castle, and, thus, completely unusable.

“Who?”

“Laas.”

“Laas. The most vindictive among the goddesses.”

“You know her?” For some reason, the trobairitz continued to hesitate.

“I’ve seen two thousand winters, girl. There are few gods I’ve never met. Tell me, which of her trinkets did you steal? The cauldron of abundance? The key to eternity?”

“The horn of the beginning and the end.”

A laugh of pure amusement echoed in the tower. “Trobairitz Shayreen, thief of mysteries and mercenary enchanter, you’re completely out of your mind.” For a moment, a spiral of smoke escaped from his mouth, then all of the heat dissipated. “You didn’t try to play it, did you?”

“Actually, yes.” Shayreen was becoming increasingly annoyed with the turn the conversation was taking. If Gretthen knew all of these things about her, why hadn’t he tried to stop her? Something was missing.

“The sound of that horn can destroy the world and then recreate it, as if nothing had happened.”

“In that case, better in my hands than in Laas’s,” the woman replied, shrugging.

“Depends on your point of view. But tell me, what did you intend to do? Sell it to the highest bidder in the event of war?”

“All right, Gretthen, I’m tired of this. I made a mistake and I have to survive. Try to understand me.”

“A mistake that made you pay a poacher to tear out my heart. You couldn’t do it yourself?”

The trobairitz looked away, uncomfortable. I did as much as possible to make sure you wouldn’t find out it was me. “I can’t do anything now,” she said aloud, “and anyway, you are dying now. I really need your heart.”

For a few moments, silence fell in the tower. Shayreen approached. The silver net had paralyzed the dragon, making it possible for him only to move his mouth. She had to finish this quickly. The whole situation had become grotesque.

“Believe me, trobairitz, eating my heart would give you the power of a god, but in a way you would not expect. I’m dying now. Kill me if you want, but don’t touch my heart. Put my body on the black market, possess my treasure…”

“Treasure- this mound of junk?” Gretthen was crazy. There was no other explanation.

“For being a trobairitz, you’re quite ignorant when it comes to dragons. In the dark, you only see junk, but in the daylight, you will see my secret. My real secret.”

Shayreen didn’t reply. Only the heart of a dragon can transform a mortal into a god, and the heart of a two-thousand-year-old dragon can turn her into a powerful god. Very powerful. “I’m sorry,” she said, sinking the knife into his right eye.

Gretthen leaned forward once more, then emitted a puff of smoke that smeared the trobairitz’s face with soot. There was a crash and the dragon lay motionless. The scales’ glow was extinguished. Shayreen looked at him for a moment, shook her head, and began to skin him. It was useless to waste the carcass. She took the large jute bags she had hidden in the tower and grabbed a knife to extract the heart and divide the most precious pieces of the dragon.

After removing the scales and carefully laying out the skin, she cut the meat and threw large pieces into a sack. She would season and salt it for resale in the Lands of Noon. It would be difficult to convince the buyers that it was authentic dragon’s flesh, but in any case, the meat was scarce and would bring a good price. When she was finished, she wiped her hands, which were dirty with green mucus, on her dress and grabbed the heart. She bit into it, and then washed it down with water from a waterskin. She tasted tears and honey.

She stopped herself from vomiting. It was an unexpected taste, like the sensation that ran through her blood and bones. Her hands started tingling. Feeling her heartbeat accelerate, she looked at her hands. They were covered in scales that shone in the golden morning light.


After earning her doctorate in literary studies, Rachel Cordasco taught literature and composition, and currently works as an editorial assistant at the Wisconsin Historical Society Press. She also writes essays and reviews, and contributes to Book Riot, Tor.comStrange HorizonsWorld Literature Today, and other publications. In 2016, Rachel started SFinTranslation.com, which tracks all speculative fiction available in English, and she’s recently started translating Italian speculative fiction. You can follow her on Twitter @Rcordas, and on the SF in Translation Facebook page.

Serena Fiandro is an Italian musician and author. She collaborates with the cultural association I Doni Delle Muse for which she writes books and lectures on the themes of myth and fantasy throughout Italy.

Rachel Hildebrandt translating Katja Bohnet

As the Sun Crashed

translated from the German by Rachel Hildebrandt

Roger is a whore. Not literally speaking. He doesn’t get paid for it, but he comes on to you as if his life depended on it. Which it actually does, in a way. We’ve been stuck here in this crappy bunker for four years. Time shaped in concrete. Hope and dreams have lost their meaning. Here, now, today. We occasionally talk about the past, but that doesn’t last beyond the first round of vodka. We pass the bottle around until it’s empty. We stop. We don’t want to lose anyone. Our reality hangs by a silken thread.

“Get lost, asshole!” This is the only way to get through to Roger. He’ll trail you like a dog, and I wonder how long he’ll be able to keep himself under control. If Roger is a whore, I’m an entire brothel. I tend their needs by hand, by mouth. When push comes to shove, by big toe. I’m the only one who can still take care of the others. Since Pete sewed me shut, I don’t let anyone inside though. I didn’t make more than a whimper. It has to be this way, even if life and my body won’t let me to do the splits anymore. I sometimes regret my fertility. A child rooted in a moist union, first the egg, then the spark. Life inside of me, out of me, conveyed through me. Pain. Different than now. Golden hair, silken skin. I would nurse it myself. But who would want to conceive or nurse something down here? Slim had watched Pete and me, looking for all the world like a small child whose lollipop had been taken away. Roger had vanished. The coward had fucked off to some remote corner of the bunker. All of these encroachments, the responsibilities to the rest of the group. The only girl. You feel the pressure. You have to free yourself even if you’re locked up.

Roger isn’t picky, unlike Slim. Slim is an idiot, but he used to be really hot. Actually, he’s not really an idiot. He can recite all sorts of algorithms involving any combination of random numbers. Slim is actually a damn genius. The sixth ball picked in the genetic lottery game, the golden calf of theoretical mathematics, or simple evidence of nature’s good moods. He was supposedly an exceptional chess player, whenever he played. But now he can’t even play Sorry or butter his own bread. That wouldn’t work anyway, though. We don’t have any bread. We don’t need it either, considering all the vodka, which is the only thing in any quantity still lying around down here. A huge misshipment must have been delivered shortly before it happened. Slim and Pete survive on vodka, the way an infant lives on its mother’s milk. Not me. A drunken stupor is not how I choose to cope with things down here. We subsist on cookies and brown goo that comes in tubes and tastes like cement. Considering all of it, the only thing that makes sense inside this bunker is survival. Vitamins and nutrients don’t seem to count for anything. I miss foods with fiber. I can still remember lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, and other vegetables. That probably won’t last much longer.

Roger has pissed off somewhere. Insulted, sad, suicidal, whatever. We know his moods. Roger is like a cat, always slinking off down the hall. What does he do there? We’ve asked each other that, over and over again. Maybe he goes down there to jerk off in secret. He hasn’t managed to find an exit yet. He wouldn’t still be here if he had, right?

“Pussy!” Slim calls after him. A cruel reflex – just as normal as the death that surrounds us.

“Let him be!” I say.

“Let him get to it!” The grin dangles from his face like a caricature.

I can’t stand to look at the stupid jerk. But if he were gone, I’d probably kill myself. I’ve had a thing for Slim, for years, just like everyone else. We used to fuck sometimes, until he turned into what he is now. Or I turned into what I am now. Hopeless. Disgusting, exposed, dirty, on a one-way street to insanity. Slim is the fallen god nobody needs anymore. He used to be so handsome. All of our hopes rested on Slim. No one believes in him now. Neither he himself nor I. Does this still count as life if the only things we have left to lose don’t matter? I’m hot, I need air. Have for months now. But the air we’re breathing is stale. Pete thinks we’re poisoning ourselves every time we inhale. Slowly, horribly, mercilessly. I take shallow breaths.

“Has anything moved?” I ask Pete, who has been staring at the monitor for hours. He is turning back into a child. It’s as if he were staring at a still from The Wizard of Oz, a classic film that refuses to let him go. Pete knows it by heart. He sometimes mumbles snatches from the dialogue: “There’s no place like home.”

Slim spit on him once, because this phrase drives him crazy. Pete started laughing hysterically. When he’s like that, he scares us. He spent days clicking his heels. He didn’t have any magical red shoes, just tattered, old sneakers. We’re still waiting on the outcome. Nothing, nobody, is helping us escape from here. Pete stopped laughing when he ran out of air, but he never stopped wishing. When he clicks his heels, it almost looks like he’s dancing. Maybe he really is Dorothy, just without the happy ending. Down here, there’s only one film running: What’s going on out there. Nothing. When the soldiers were building the bunker, there were still moving pictures to watch. The fact that the buildings are all still standing is an ironic postscript to a film that nobody is making anymore. Stills. Earlier it was something good, funny. It was a break when we went to the fridge for refills, laughing at the dumb faces on the screen. Ever since there’s been only one scene – ever since the figures disappeared – there’s been something stifling about the still. The fridge stopped running a long time ago. I sometimes doubt if even we still exist.

I occasionally wake up in a cold sweat, day or night. It’s all the same down here. Outside is the only place where the times of day still play themselves out. Light and dark. The planets haven’t exploded. We’re still orbiting the sun. Movement that none of us can actually feel. We want something to happen out there in the dust. I want to see somebody walk by. In the glaring light, through the dry debris. I sometimes imagine that and reach my hand out, against my will, but my fingertips always crumple against the the glass screen. I wake up, although I haven’t been asleep. I run my pointer finger along the contours of the glass, my long nail scratching noisily across the smooth surface. In the background towers the ribcage of the decaying city. Gray shapes transferred onto the facades of houses and other buildings. As a reminder to us, a manifesto. The flash photographed the dead, marking their outlines. The wreckage of a fighter jet, colors unrecognizable, that will never fly or fight again. Far to the left, a slanting power pole, warped by the explosion’s heat. Wires jut out from the top, flowing down like loose strands of hair. The wind moves them occasionally, which is why I sometimes mistake them for snakes slithering down from the sky. It would be enough for me to see one animal. A dog, a rabbit, a mouse. Something creeping across the cracked ground out there. Not even the cockroaches seem to have survived. Who would have ever thought that?

We second-guess things constantly. What are we seeing out there? This shitty question has practically killed us. Slim believes in the reign of the machines. Satellites and other debris are still orbiting the planet. Nobody is stopping them. Pete claims that at some point the modern gods developed new ideas about purgatory. He spent two days praying the Our Father, continuously. At some point, he stared at us in confusion, his mouth searching for the words. He had probably forgotten the lines. I convinced Roger that we were part of some scientific experiment: the people out there could see us, but we couldn’t see them. It was cruel to push all his buttons. It felt good to have some relief, though, even if it was only short-lived. For a little while, he actually stopped talking about sex. It took Slim and me together to keep him from ripping out the monitors and smashing them to pieces. We both had to sit on him, since he kept trying to get back up and grab things. Until all he could do was sob. We were able to convince him that the pictures were the only thing we still had. Roger continues to scan the walls for more cameras. He’s totally paranoid, but there’s nothing up there in the concrete.

It’s quiet here, except for the constant white noise: the grinding, squeaking, scratching. The backup generators have been running for years. The fact is, though, that even without power, we couldn’t die. Other things kill people. Solitary confinement without a crime, perpetrator, or judge. We’re too scared to kill ourselves, afraid of death. However lethal our reality may be, it still seems to be the more appealing option. We’re lonely. We no longer recognize we or you guys. We only know I and you. Separated by worlds, bound together by hate and the necessity to not do what we want more than anything: to kill ourselves, to escape, to say goodbye to this dreary space and those we once called friends. Machines – they have to be the only survivors. We won’t make it much longer. I used to think it would be a relief to finally reach life after death.

Pete’s pupils keep slipping out of focus. It’s hard to say if this is caused by the exhaustion or the vodka. He used to be bipolar, and now he’s always either up or down. All that remains are the extremes. Pete is a ticking time bomb. But I’m still not afraid of him. I love him. I need him more than I need myself, even if it’s been a long time since he could recognize me. “Who are you?” he asks.

I go over and sit on his lap. He has grown thin, his bones made of porcelain. Neither the hard cookies nor the nutritional paste make any difference. We never feel full, but we consume enough to keep ourselves from dying. The army took care of its own. I cup Pete’s bristly chin in my hands, forcing him to look at me. “Hey! It’s me. Your sister.”

“What?” Pete has a hard time pulling himself together. He actually lost it all a long time ago. We keep carrying each other along, because it’s all we’re still able to do.

Years ago, we would sit around the campus, as the sun crashed through the atmosphere onto our skin. We tanned, absorbing the beams. Somebody laughed, we touched each other very lightly, like foreplay. We would kiss, untroubled, as we talked about prime numbers, eternity, and the reason why sometimes points are not points at all. The mown grass would tickle our skin, as the scent of pot encircled us like a caress. At the one end, the joints were as round and large as our pupils. The clothes we wore were snug and short. The shorts, the tops. The clothing licked our bodies. We were young and sexually charged, like batteries that never ran out. The things that didn’t come into our heads, we carried in our hearts. We called each other Sucker and Honey and Sweetie Pie. All of our discussions were naive and loud. Our lightheartedness was a youthful promise, whose fulfillment we expected to come any minute. And then: so much death, so little life. Generation X, Generation Y, Generation Zero.

It was the flash that made the shadows stand out more than ever before. So much so, that the end was seared into, captured in, the concrete. Outlines on the facades of buildings. A final picture, camera obscura. Some simply evaporated, losing their skins.

We weren’t actually supposed to be down here. The reports had been increasing over the years, but at some point, you stop paying attention to the urgency. A couple of countries protested. We were separated by oceans – from each other and from our ideas. We had absolutely no clue who was out there, who hated us so much, although we were deluged by media reports. We armed ourselves and then disarmed ourselves. Slim was sitting on the information, but he didn’t talk much. There were security conferences and emergency drills, and the number of canned goods on the supermarket shelves grew. When the sirens went off, we wearily got to our feet. The shrillness of it upset us, and the mass migrations no longer seemed to make any sense. The bunker was a cool place, and its bleakness appealed to us. Slim was acquainted with all of the instruments. We would have been equally at home on a spaceship.

It was our national holiday. There wouldn’t be any catastrophes if they didn’t happen, if somebody prevented them. It’s just that those who march to their own drums don’t wave little flags. Our political engagement expressed itself in simple opposition. Support, opposition: no one actually cared about our opinions anymore. So we decided to flee the scent of cotton candy, the flurry of national colors, the blaring music. We had rejected all that long ago. It was hot and humid outside, while the bunker was cool and quiet. Almost pleasant. Like a surprising location we kept discovering anew. We didn’t have any other options at that time. We played Spin The Bottle. Truth or Dare. I was still wearing my push-up bra. Roger’s tongue kept running along his upper lip, his gaze fixed on my crossed legs, as if something there mesmerized him. Slim, the brilliant asshole, was sitting in front of the monitors. The Chosen One, the Messiah, the One-in-a-Million. They all wanted him. CIA, FBI, NSA. And other names that we had never heard before. Maybe they were companies or organizations, products of a new world order. We couldn’t understand it. He was just Slim, our friend. A stark raving freak, unbelievably attractive, unbelievably out-of-touch. He knew all the films. “Watch this,” he said, pointing at the screens where people were dying.

“Wicked movie!” Pete laughed louder than usual, as I joined in.

Slim reached for the bottle. Back then, his skin was almost as pale as his hair. “Shut the fuck up!”

Roger farted loudly and shrieked with laughter.

Slim’s mouth finally expressed what his brain still hadn’t grasped, what none of us had grasped: “It’s real.”

The bottle kept spinning, until it stopped with its neck pointing at Pete. He was supposed to go out for the next round of pizzas. Nobody went anywhere. Our final resting place had been dug while we were still alive. Now we are sitting in the chilly darkness, waiting on death. He is a slacker, obviously taking his own sweet time. Torment is his middle name, Bunker his last. We came here secretly to play games, but we had to stay forever. The bottle is still spinning, while life rotates around us. The second after it all happened, we became history’s footnotes. Our families: gone. Our homes: gone. Our context deleted, eradicated without a single trace. What will become of us? What has become of us? We wanted out. We pounded on the door, but we couldn’t get it open back then. The horror has never vanished. We have already started begging to die. Halfheartedly though, because death still frightens us. Maybe we’re already dead and just haven’t noticed. The emergency systems kicked on back then. Today, emergency is our norm. We want to go out, but don’t trust ourselves to take the risk. We could have left the bunker before now, but we didn’t. Aren’t supposed to. The numbers in fate’s lottery have already been drawn. Death is waiting for us out there. We prefer slow suffocation. The silence out there has made us cowardly. We never were all that brave. We feel safe in here – and simultaneously cursed. Our home is a grave. And we are cowards who would rather die slowly than face a quick death. All we have is nothing. What we could have had, though, would have been even less than that.

While carbon monoxide busies itself with poisoning my lungs, I press Pete against me, because it is often the only thing that helps him. “You’re alive,” I repeat once more, then six more times, over and over again. Pete twitches and shakes. He has forgotten how to sob. His misery is as dry as a parched river.

I stand back up. “Still nothing?” I ask Slim. I have to say something. Pete has begun to tremble. The Wicked Witch of the West has him firmly in her clutches. He stinks, we stink.

Slim just shakes his head. Words cost strength. We stare at the monitors. Out there: nothing. Subatomic silence. Occasional winds. Desolation. Dust. Drought. Decomposition. The weather has forgotten how to rain. Drought everywhere, just as dry as my mouth has been as long as I can remember. We’ve gone through what little water we had. We rationed it, even at the beginning. We recently stopped washing. The vodka just makes us thirstier, but I try to imagine that it has been distilled into water. I dream about waterfalls, sweet lakes and ponds. I would swim and drink forever, until I couldn’t possibly keep going. It would be better to go under and drown, than to dry up and wither down here for an eternity. Our today has turned into stone, hard and unchangeable, just like us. The unfiltered sunbeams outside beat down relentlessly, mirroring the mocking laughter of a sad, vanished existence. Nothing is allowed to move. If something did move, it would die. What am I actually still thinking is out there?

When they came to clean things up outside, their clothes were bright and colorful. The advance team wore breathing masks, and the first real faces appeared a few days later. As they danced and laughed out there, I stammered something incomprehensible. Pete’s eyes were huge. He kept calling out for the Wizard of Oz, his saliva spraying all over the place. Slim just stared, and Roger rubbed his prick as if he had experienced an epiphany.

“What are we?” Slim asked, stuttering. “An… an experiment, an accident, a bad joke?”

The ones outside danced – the colors blinded us – we could hear the strains of music and would have cried, if it had been possible. We are sick, our desires are deceiving us.

“Stop it, Pete!” I say. “Stop fucking shaking!”

But Pete can’t. His nerves have all been fried. He crashes to the floor, and the tremors rack his entire body. Slim just sits there in his chair, his arms hanging slack.

“You can lick me, suck wherever you want. Everywhere. But just stop it!” I whisper in Pete’s ear, but he continues to thrash around beneath me. “We have each other. That won’t change,” I lie quietly, without shame. I want him to believe me. Something red dribbles from his mouth.

Slim just stares like an utter moron. Too much vodka. A shitty American who drinks too much vodka. His IQ of over 160 can no longer help us. “We can’t lose anyone else,” he murmurs. He hasn’t stood up for days now. Pisses in a bucket. Maybe he can’t even walk anymore. Handsome Slim.

“Shut the hell up, Slim! Help me!”
    But Slim just laughs. First quietly, then louder and louder. He laughs and laughs, gulping down air like an old man. Something white and foamy bubbles out of the corner of his mouth, as he sits there laughing.

I turn around. Roger is missing, too. “Roger!” My thin scream sounds like glass, as it rasps along the corridor and ricochets off the concrete. Where is that pig?

Pete’s convulsions stop. As I continue to shake him, his body becomes strangely slack. He was the older one. I’m now untethered. Convince me that I’m dreaming. Nothing here is true. Truth is what I make it to be.

Slim laughs, wheezes. Until he abruptly breaks off, suddenly dissolving into coughing and panting. The hysteria has wiped his face completely clean.

For the first time in ages, something moves. The shock ripples out in waves. The pixels quiver on the monitor. Right in front of the bunker. A person. Arms, legs, a face. Everything in motion. So this is how the first man was created. The walls, the power poles, the military machines, everything that had been seared into our retinas suddenly dwindles down to a transfer picture. Did I just feel a breath of air on my skin, the first since who knows when? I must be wrong. This can’t be. Bright cloths, silken fabrics blowing in the wind. Tibetan prayer flags of a lost, western generation. Chills run down my spine. Is something divine touching me?

It’s getting harder to breathe. Maybe I no longer need to. I click my heels, once, twice. I won’t manage a third time. The magical words leave my mouth: “There is no place like home.” My only wish. Think about Pete. Somebody will wake me up any minute. I believe this with every fiber of my ridiculous being. Nothing happens. Trembling, Slim’s thin fingers point at the picture. The scene before us dissolves into its smallest components, as it reaches its half-life. We are alone. We knew it. The monitor flickers, the image shudders as I try to grasp what I’m seeing. A small crash, a loud bang, a white line suddenly stretching horizontally across the wavering picture. I’m still screaming as the screen suddenly goes black. My eyes dart back and forth, but the monitors stay blank.


With degrees in art history and historic preservation, Rachel Hildebrandt worked for years as a historical consultant and academic editor before transitioning to literary translation (German). She has published both fiction and nonfiction works in translation, including Staying Human by Katharina Stegelmann (Skyhorse), Herr Faustini Takes a Trip by Wolfgang Hermann (KBR Media), and Collision by Merle Kroeger (forthcoming, Unnamed Press). Rachel is also the founder of Weyward Sisters Publishing, which focuses on bringing contemporary works of crime and noir fiction by women authors from Germany, Austria and Switzerland to English readers.

Mark Ehling

On The Street

Mark Ehling is a writer and artist living in Edina, Minnesota. His stories, comics, plays, and films have appeared widely, and he is the author of a book of short stories, River Dead of Minneapolis Scavenged by Teenagers. More of his work can be found at http://newcarriage.com.

Hue Nguyen

Gradient

Hue Nguyen is a horse child.

They currently reside in Vancouver, BC in the midst of a finishing a BFA in Film and Visual Arts. Their work is mostly framed around comics poetry and abstract film animations, exploring intertwining issues of mental health, identity, and immigration. You can find more of they’re work at: www.huenguyen.ca

Sheryl Curtis translating Laurence Suhner

The Perfect Chord

By Laurence Suhner, translated from the French by Sheryl Curtis

       This evening, I’ll finally do it.
       My fingers will assume the ideal position, they will pinch the strings with the adequate amount of pressure, neither too strong nor too weak, so that the vibration will attain the desired frequency; they will find the correct tempo; will extend their combined efforts toward perfect harmony. The sound will grow, amplified by the large sound box. It will fill the space with the necessary volume, a mixture of delicateness and strength, of gentleness and intensity. I’ve been aspiring to this for months. It’s no more than a matter of tiny adjustments. I feel it.
       I can already imagine the power washing over me as it once did, over there, very far, very high in the sky, during that night spent in the immense primeval forest of Edena, a small telluric planet in the Tau Ceti system, the second to be discovered by our astronomers. An inhabitable exoplanet, as they used to say at that time, three centuries earlier. Now, we’ve gone back to the good old reflexes and we simply call it a colony. Tau Ceti, a system twelve light years away and yet, the heritage of humanity.
       Night fell over the village several hours ago.
       I’m sitting in the circle, almost in the middle of the clearing, where smoke rises from the bonfire and the torches. I see the moon making its way through the gap in the foliage overhead. Around me, a handful of the members of my expedition, weary faces, drawn features, yawning as they wait for the opportunity to go to their tents and abandon themselves to rest. As for the others – the natives, let’s say – they observe us without seeming to do so, glaring, if that expression applies to their insectoid faces, their multiple, impenetrable eyes. Like bottomless black lakes.
       Edena was not supposed to shelter life. Much less, intelligent life. If such primitive creatures can be considered intelligent beings,which, despite everything, I’ve forced myself to do. Since I arrived, three earth years ago, I’ve made every effort to keep the necessary distance, to avoid judging, to avoid making the same mistakes as my predecessors. I try to understand their habits, their customs, even though they’re nothing like anything I may have encountered on Earth. I’m a true ethnologist. Except that there’s nothing human about my subject.
       This evening, it’s my party, literally and figuratively. The natives have organized a ceremony for me. At least, that’s how I understood it. But it’s also possible there’s no connection. Many things continue to slip past me, despite my efforts. Perhaps this festivity coincides with one of their celebrations honoring the moon, the stars, the seasonal rains, the laying period. What do I know?
       The heat is stifling. Despite being specially designed, my clothing sticks to my skin, to such a point that I wonder if I’ll be able to extricate myself from it when I go back to my tent at the end of this exhausting day. I’ll have to. I leave tomorrow.
       After three years on Edena, my feelings are mitigated. Obviously, I‘m happy to be going home… The suffocating heat, the sickness, the insects as large as crows that dive at you, the unbridled, voracious fauna which has eyes for nothing but your meager rations, or for you… Not to mention the incomprehensible culture, the barbaric, often bloody practices… The S’fars, as they call themselves, are pure animists, hunter-gatherers barely out of the paleolithic stage. We have nothing in common with them.
       At the same time, I feel a vague sense of regret. I wasn’t able to do anything. Apart from saving their lives. And as for any guarantee that my efforts will be continued by my successor… The first plan was to eradicate them. No one back on Earth would have known. When we arrived on Edena, we carefully omitted making any mention of the discovery of intelligent life. At the start of my mandate, five expeditions later, I temporized, I knocked myself out looking for traces of art, painting, writing, funeral rites… The jewelry they make with any old thing and display around their long, slender necks, like that of a praying mantis, their grasshopper-like legs, devoid of flesh, the grotesque trinkets they shake, the rawhide drums they beat with an obvious lack of rhythm, all that is art! I shouted at my colleagues. They shrugged, snickered on their large tractors, their excavators, turning over the rich forest soil, looking for oil, gas, uranium, diamonds. We’re here to grow rich, they told me, to dig the soil, to take control of the resources, to adapt the environment for the upcoming arrival of millions and then billions of people from Earth, weary of breathing in the poor, dry air of our dying world. Edena will be our world soon!
       Without me, without my patience, my persistence, the S’fars, decimated by human colonists, would be decomposing in the thick strata of vegetation in their planetary forest. They would be one with their planet. Perhaps it would be as if they had never seen the day under the yellow light of Tau Ceti. Perhaps that would be better. For them, for us. Who knows?
       I focus my attention back on the center of the circle. The racket is deafening. The natives – a good hundred in number – are rubbing their elytra in a rapid, jerky movement. The rustling overlaps, multiplies, saturating the space. It’s unbearable. In the middle of the clearing, one individual, even rangier than the others of his kind, is waving his upper limbs in a hypnotic choreography. Four arms, ending with two fingers that look like claws. The gestures are slow and precise, no doubt pregnant with meaning. Looking at him, he could be taken for an oriental divinity. I tap a few notes on my console. The creature is dancing. I’d bet my life on it. I can’t help but find it beautiful in a certain way, a sense of grace filled with nobility, which touches me despite the racket, the heat, the humidity and the exoticism of the situation.
       Behind me, Stephen, my assistant, sniggers.
       “They’re going to marry you, that’s for sure!”
       I turn around. He’s as red as a beet, as red as the S’fars are a dark, deep green. He continues, jabbering in a way that pleases my colleagues, spluttering to his heart’s desire. Then he’s seized by a coughing fit that drowns in the mouthpiece of his respirator. Fortunately, that puts an end to his childish nonsense. Some of my colleagues here are laughing, some crying, some coughing.
       I resume my contemplation. I have nothing in common with those guys. I came to this world to understand. I learned what I could. I saw. I felt. I will never forget. The experience is engraved on my mind, my heart, my entrails, like a brand. These people may be barbaric, but we can’t just deny the fact that they exist, wipe them away with the back of a hand.
       One day, when I’ve recovered from these three years spent battling in a hostile environment, I’ll come back here. Despite a gravity forty percent weaker than on Earth, Edena is hell. It will have to be worked to the core, gentled, prepared for colonization. That’s the job of the next expedition. The large carriers are on their way. Everything has been planned. In 50 years, this planet, terraformed by humans, will be our second cradle, a new chance for humanity. I’m proud to have been one of the movement’s pioneers. But, somewhere deep down, I already feel nostalgic for this wild nature.
       The laughter – again with that allusion to my marriage! – grows behind my back. It struggles to dissipate in the dusty air mingled with the odor of the local cuisine. Since this morning, something has been stewing in a large furnace. There’s not a breath of wind to freshen the clearing, which is imprisoned in this virgin forest filled with the perfume of the start of the world. “They’re going to cook you!” the men couldn’t keep from joking.
       I’m weary of their never-ending nattering. I’m preparing to gratify my team-mates with a searing remark, but no sound comes out of my mouth. I should do like them, shout over the din. Talking makes my head hurt, so imagine raising my voice… I cough, make an effort to put on a fake smile. I see Stephen wiping a tear away on a corner of his shirt. People here laugh at anything. At anything. Everything is a pretext. It’s the wear and tear, the fatigue of this world which weighs too heavily on our bodies. Too much boredom, too much heat, too much strangeness, too many natives with their obscure customs. Those I recorded and catalogued so doggedly in my console. Over 1000 pages. When I get home, I’ll write a long, well-documented article. I’ve gathered enough information for the Planetary Commission to establish a reservation. Thanks to me, the S’fars will have their own land, a bit of this vast forest with its swamps, its tree-like ferns, its thousand-year-old trees that stretch 300 meters up. I’ll make sure they’re comfortable, that they can live decently, that their ancestral traditions are respected. I sincerely hope that will be enough to protect them from the brutality of men. The reservation is an acceptable solution, compared to genocide, the preferred option. I’m returning to my loved ones – my wife, Celia, and my children – with a clean conscience.
       A new commotion is sweeping through the S’fars. The one I called the dancer is discreetly withdrawing, melting into the mass of his kind. He has no further role to play in the ceremony. Other natives, all limbs and exoskeletons, have just placed something in the middle of the clearing. It’s huge. At first glance, it looks like a piece of wood with several elements and fine stems, stretched along a handle, that sparkle in the light of the fires. The clamor grows in intensity. Then, suddenly, silence falls. No rustling of elytra, no pounding, no growling, no cries. Even the forest, usually overflowing with the stirring of creatures, falls silent. The S’fars stare at the object standing in the middle of the clearing with their black eyes. One of them slowly walks ahead with its four slender legs. It’s a new one; I don’t recognize the markings on his shell. He bends forward, as if bowing, and then places one of the appendages that serve as hands on the object. The gesture is respectful, somewhat sensual. When his claw touches the stems of threads, strident sounds are produced. A long task starts then: the native catches the threads one by one and modulates the tone using what looks likes wooden pegs screwed into the handle.
       A sound box. Neck. Strings.
       What I’m looking at is a musical instrument.
       Using a camera, I obtain a closer view. The object looks old and dusty, a common piece of poorly worked wood. Perhaps they dug it up from some ancestor’s tomb? In any case, that’s the impression it gives. In the three years of my mission, I’ve never seen anything like it. The S’fars are better known for the diversity of their percussion instruments. No doubt they keep the newcomer for major events, such as my departure. Despite my efforts, I’m unable to count the number of strings. Fifty perhaps? Maybe more? Long and shiny, a gap of two or three centimetres between each of them, rising from the saddle, over the bridge and spreading out on both sides of the neck – 1.5 meters long by the looks of it – and finally winding around pegs. Metal? Fishing line, as in the case of certain, old-fashioned lutes back on Earth? Or organic, animal or vegetable fibers? Under the player’s claws, the strings tighten one by one. The native is looking for the adequate frequency, in the same way as people would tune a guitar or a violin. The sound is unpleasant, sharp and resounding.
       “We’ll leave you with the bride, eh?” someone says behind my back.
       Out of patience, my colleagues have started to leave the clearing.
       I force myself to resist for a moment longer, then decide, in turn, to follow them, overwhelmed with fatigue. I don’t make it a meter. All of the natives stare at me. They want me to stay, for me to attend the ceremony until the end. “It’s for you,” the one we’ve taken to calling the chief of the village, nattered this morning in his colorful language. “It’s an honor. You have to stay until the end.”
       For me. Just for me. What does that mean? Is it to thank me for all my efforts? Do they understand that I’ve fought to save them?
       I sit back down and their attention immediately shifts from me back to the musician, who devotes himself to his art. Bit by bit, the sound transforms. I notice a harmonic progression. I can make out notes. I practiced an instrument when I was young, as a means for training my brain. I recognize full tones, natural, but also semitones, sharps and flats. I also detect smaller intervals. Quarter tones? The tuning is very subtle. And takes a very long time. How can this native perform such delicate work with the coarse claws at the ends of each of his upper limbs?
       The tension in the clearing makes me feel uncomfortable, almost ill. Something is happening. But I couldn’t say what. Something that floats above the notes and my understanding. Something primal, fundamental for the S’far culture, something that escapes me. Why didn’t I have an opportunity to attend such a ceremony during the three years of my mandate? Why did this have to happen the night before my departure? I had no idea the S’fars were such accomplished musicians. How could I have missed that? Suddenly, I’m angry with myself. I did my job as an ethnologist badly.


       The moon, the planet’s sole moon, is high in the sky. And full.
       Overcome by the heat, I must have fainted for a moment. Silence bathes the clearing. I notice that all eyes are fixed on me.
       What are they waiting for? For me to wake up, of course! They want me to give them my full attention. As soon as they realize I’m fully conscious, the concert begins… How else could it be described? I’m immediately caught up in it. I’ve never heard such knowledgeable music, so subtle that it transports me, literally, into another world. Yet, my ear recognizes no melodic composition. It’s something else. As if my perceptions have been modified, expanded, to enable me to access different ones, those of the S’fars. As if I’m discovering, for the first time, senses that remained unknown before this. I see things in the combinations of the notes. I literally see them. As if I could reach out and catch them, one yard in front of me. Colors that burst, shapes that take form in the air, fireworks of light that cross through me. I see S’fars walking ahead in the millions, gigantic cities that rise above the forest, like ant hills, spacecraft criss-crossing the cosmos to the very edges of the universe, planets, stars, galaxies… I’m watching a high-speed presentation of the history of a grandiose civilization as it once was. Unless what I’m seeing is their visions of the future… Or a simple dream. After all, the S’fars are merely a primitive people, without technology. They don’t have flight, let alone space navigation. But regardless of the nature, the illusion is captivating. As I listen, I feel jubilation grow. A physical, almost sexual joy, washes over me. I regret that my colleagues left early. Well, not really. Would they have understood? I’m flattered by the honor the S’fars have reserved for me. They chose me. That’s why they insisted that I stay until the end. I alone could understand.
       How long did my modified state of awareness last? I couldn’t say. In the morning, I find myself lying on the grass, exhausted but ecstatic, my clothing damp with dew and perspiration, bathed in a sensual pleasure that balks at leaving my mind and body.
       A young native is standing in front of me, recognizable by his dull shell devoid of marks and his slender build, proof that he has never laid eggs. He holds the instrument at his side. He speaks to me in his language.
       “It’s for you!” my AI translator immediately transcribes.
       A gift?
       Am I entitled to accept it?
       “I’m very honored. Thank you,” I reply
       The young native bows and hands the object to me.
       “And the musician? Where’s he?”
       “He’s… dead, as you say in your language.”
       I stand up suddenly.
       “Dead? I don’t understand. Why? How?”
       “He made the sacrifice. That’s tradition when one plays the H’la, the Great Harp/Lute of Transformations. Now, leave. Go home. Take the H’la with you. It’s a gift from my people. If you don’t take it, the sacrifice will have been pointless.”
       Already, the native is walking away, taking small steps. It’s impossible to determine if he’s proud at accomplishing his mission or sad about the loss of his fellow.
       “It’s all for you,’ he said. “That’s what counts.”
       My hand settles on the body of the instrument. The sound box is made of a large fruit, much like a very large squash, cut into halves. I brush my fingertips against it and it seems to me that a slight vibration runs through me, as if the music of the past night were waiting to come back to life through the fibers of my being. With ease, I lift it and the strings quiver in the fresh, dawn air, gratifying me with a few random notes. It looked heavy to me the previous evening when the S’fars placed it in the middle of the clearing. But gravity is only 0.6 g on Edena. My human physical strength is much greater than that of the natives.
       I don’t know what to do. I’m tempted to leave the H’la, the great harp-lute as the young S’far called it, right there. Something tells me that this splendor does not belong to me, that it should remain with its people. Then, I give in. I pick it up and take it with me. It seems so light in my hand.
       Other rustles respond to the murmur of the forest as it awakens around me. Bit by bit, I notice groups of S’fars watching me through the foliage. Their eyes follow me until I reach my quarters. My ship takes off in a few hours. All my belongings have already been packed in trunks ready to be loaded.


       In the brilliance of the morning sun, standing against the wall of my high-tech tent, the harp-lute has lost its magnificence: it has once again become a simple dented shell cut out of a large, hollowed out piece of fruit, with myriads of strings of varying sizes and diameters. I’m astonished by the state of fascination which it plunged me into yesterday. Was there some hallucinogenic substance in the air, spread by the smoke of the fire? It doesn’t matter. Its raw, primitive look, its dark wood will be all the more appealing in my living room with its white walls and platinum gray furniture with rounded corners.
       “So, what about the wedding?” someone says behind my back.
       That schoolboy joke will follow me until I give in to cryogenic sleep on the ship. I walk past Stephen without stopping. I know he’d like to be in my shoes… leaving.
       “Why are you taking that horrible thing back?” he insists, sniffling.
       “It’s a souvenir. Just a souvenir.”
       “Well, I don’t want any souvenirs from this place! If I were you, I’d chuck that old thing in the garbage. We have to make a clean sweep of this damned forest and those cretins!”
       I take my leave without another word. I’m going to talk to the Commission, that’s for sure. I won’t leave the S’fars in the hands of guys like Stephen. They’ll have their reservation.


       The cabin I’m assigned in the ship is comfortable, but small. I would have liked to keep the instrument there, close at hand, to make sure no one touches it – it’s funny how I’ve already grown attached to it – but it had to go through a complete decontamination process and was placed in a hold, appropriately packaged. I’ll have to wait for the end of my trip. Ten months. That may seem long, but it’s not really. I’ll sleep until we cross through the gateway, the Einstein-Rosen bridge that will take us back to the solar system. Thanks to the theories of Ermann Lô Yuko at the beginning of the 22nd century, interstellar travel has become a reality. Without it, we’d still be subject to the limitations inherent in special relativity. To get to Edena, I’d have had to spend centuries in a space craft with no hope of seeing my loved ones again.
       I prepare for stasis. The ship’s AI will watch over me, as well as a hundred or so colonists who are returning home with me. I’ll wake up in orbit around Mars, fresh as a rose. From there, I’ll take a conventional carrier that provides a regular shuttle service between Mars and Earth. A simple formality. I’m eager to get home.


       Here I am. The harp-lute stands in a glass case in the middle of our living room.
       Of course, my wife, Celia, who I find looks more careworn and tired than I remembered, doesn’t like it. My children, Maxime and Jessica, 12 and 15, danced around it, delighted and excited. As for the little one, Leonore, who was only two when I set out for Edena, she ran and hid in her bedroom as soon as I took the instrument out of its crate. Five-year-olds aren’t impressed by anything. All she knows of the world is our sanitized civilization, without glitches, defects, dirt or the slightest trace of dust. No plants or flowers brighten our apartment and the trees that line our street are artificial, obviously. We have to save our air and our water. We don’t enjoy the luxury of sharing them with other living creatures, let alone with green plants.
       I was overjoyed to be back with my wife and children. Yet, why am I so indifferent to their presence? I don’t understand the source of this feeling of apathy. My doctor told me it was shock, the trauma resulting from my confrontation with the other. Basically, the consecutive side effects of a long and difficult process of acclimation. Apparently, I experienced acculturation. Rehabilitation will take time. Perfectly normal. I let him talk. He prescribed rest. So be it. I make the most of my days at home to write my report on the S’fars for the Planetary Commission.
       “No bulldozer or excavator for two thousand acres,” I stated in black and white. I have to be firm.


       I’m satisfied. I’ve written a powerful article and submitted it to the Commission. But, meanwhile, I got sick. As I lie in bed, fighting an inexplicable and sudden exhaustion, my youngest daughter, Leonore, brings me a mug of hot chocolate.
       “Daddy, you should take it back there!”
       “What, sweetheart?”
       “That wooden thing with the strings!”
       No doubt in an effort to be explicit, she covers her ears with her small hands.
       “At night, it plays all by itself in the glass case. I don’t want to hear it any more. Daddy. It’s… bad!”
       I chuckle gently. My daughter has a vivid imagination. If I don’t keep an eye on things, she could turn out badly, become an artist. A frightening word. That would bring shame on my family, although I’ve softened my tone since that night in the clearing on Edena. Music, as long as it remains practice, has a purpose in the sense that it serves to create new cerebral connections. In that respect, it is beneficial for the development of children. But for them to become musicians or, worse yet, painters or writers… fortunately, there are treatments for that. To nip the evil in the bud, so to speak. I hope we don’t get to that point. Leonore is little. It’s too early to make a big deal about things.


       A month has passed. Fully recovered, I’m spending more and more time in the living room. One evening, glass in hand, I decide to take the large harp-lute, the H’la, out of the glass case. I place it gently on the couch, next to me. Of course, in this incongruous décor, its aura of mystery and exoticism has melted like snow in the sun. But its strings sparkle in the cold light of the apartment. I have no claws at the ends of my arms. Plus, I only have two arms, but perhaps… cautiously, I slide my fingers over the strings. The sound I produce is very distant from what I heard that night in the clearing. My hand moves up to the wooden pegs. They’re used to tune it! I have to find a melodic landmark. I dig through my childhood memories, trying to recall the drills, the scales I practiced up and down on my violin. I had a very good ear according to my instructor. This might be a “C”. Or perhaps a “C#”. I search. I grope my way around. And there, isn’t that a “B”? I identify the intervals, marvel at the subtlety of the stringing. Octave follows octave along the length of the neck in quarter tones.
       I get down to work. First, I take a chance, using only my ear, then I find help in my AI console. Frequencies and harmonic progressions are the same everywhere, on both Earth and Edena.


       I decided to extend my convalescence and stay at home. I still haven’t had any news from the Planetary Commission about my article on the need for creating a reservation for the S’fars. My wife left early this morning with the children. I caught the frightened glance of my youngest, Leonore. She heard me last night. Maybe she even saw me when I locked the harp-lute up in the glass case. With a certain amount of jubilation, I take it back out, and set back about tuning it where I left off the previous night. It has so many strings. Given the change in pressure, temperature and humidity – it’s much dryer here than on Edena – the H’la seems to enjoy growing sharper as I progress. I have to constantly go back, turn the pegs, to the left, to the right, to fight with wood that creaks, with strings that wail and vibrate at the risk of breaking. What frights all day long! The H’la fights me fiercely. For now, the notes I torture from it have none of the exquisite musicality of that night in the clearing. It’s painstaking work, but I persevere, step by step. I want to hear its perfect sound again, the complex harmonies that caused my visions, the total joy of body and soul that no earthly happiness will ever be able to match.
       I’m a bit stubborn. All it takes is patience, constantly getting back to work. One day, I’ll succeed, I’ll reproduce what I experienced that night under Edena’s full moon.


       Sick again.
       I vomit. My hair falls out in clumps. This morning, I even lost a tooth. No doubt a result of the deficiencies harvested during my time on Edena. I have a good reason to stay at home. This way, I can work on my instrument without stopping. What’s a little physical discomfort compared to the endless immensity of the pleasure that modulating sounds, fine-tuning frequencies brings me? I dedicate my days and nights to it. I no longer sleep. In any case, I’m no longer tired. What’s the point of wasting time?
       Around me, I see concern. In the building, in the street, on the news I watch from time to time. This morning, I even felt it for the first time: an earthquake. For ten days, the news has talked about nothing else. Our Earth is stricken with incomprehensible tremors.
       I shrug it off. I think of Edena, its large rivers, its luxurious swamps, its dangerous animals and its conscious creatures, its exuberant youth. A musician gave his life to play the large harp/lute for me, the instrument that is now resonating under my human fingers. Another string, then another. I adjust, I finetune, I constantly go back to orchestrate the harmonies, to cavort with the waves transmitted by the vibration of the strings. The sound grows refined. I already find it much less discordant. I’ll get somewhere, that’s for sure. I thank nature for giving me such a good ear.
       I would have liked so much for my wife and children to hear this. But they left a month ago. Celia returned to her parents’ place to wait for my whim – her word – to pass. Apparently, I was frightening the children.
       She doesn’t understand anything. She never understood me. That’s normal. She never set foot outside her neighborhood, never traveled beyond this clump of houses. So, Edena, the S’fars, light years, the distant stars, Einstein-Rosen bridges, all that is beyond her. But it’s true that I’m thin and bald, that my nails have grown so much they look like claws. That makes it all the easier to play the strings of the Large Harp-Lute of Transformations, the sound is more metallic, more defined, closer to the sound that would be produced by a real S’far. All I feed on now is sounds. I can’t remember when I last ate. In any case, I no longer feel hungry.


       It’s been raining non-stop for the past month. That’s unusual. Our planet has been experiencing droughts for years. It doesn’t matter. As long as I can work on my instrument in peace and quiet. All I think of is Edena, its suffocating heat, its life. Here, on Earth, everything is sanitized, controlled, conditioned. Perhaps this diluvian rain that keeps falling without stop is a gift to wash away our errors, dilute the emotional drought that has spread across the entire planet. So that we can start over again at zero. A major cleansing. Water! Water! I can’t help but think of the Flood. This building looks like Noah’s ark.
       Am I some kind of Noah?


       This morning, the H’la almost got free from my hands. Earth shook more than usual. Gaia is angry. She’s fed up with us. I’ve had enough as well. I’d like to leave, to go back to Edena and its colony nestled in the heart of the forest. And, above all, its inhabitants, its sentient creatures, its musicians. It would be an honor for me to play the harp-lute in the clearing, in front of all the S’fars. I’d give my life for just a moment. A moment that would be worth its weight in gold and harmonics, compared to an entire life of smallness, weakness, mediocrity. I envy the musician who sacrificed himself that evening. His destiny was tragic, of course, but brilliant.
       I called the Commission to get news about my project. But there seems to be some problem with interspatial communications. Beyond the gateway, there’s nothing but radio silence. We’ve lost contact with our carriers and the colonists. It would be easy to believe they’ve vanished into thin air. Now, that’s annoying.
       And my response? And my reservation? It’s big and beautiful in my mind’s eye. Maybe it could be named after me?
       If no one responds, how will I be able to go back there? I’m starting to feel frightened. So, I play, for hours and hours, without pausing, without breathing, sleeping or eating. I’m close to the harmonic perfection to which I aspire. Just a few more adjustments, a few turns of well-adjusted pegs. The ground, which shakes without stopping, complicates the final stage in the tuning process. I attach myself to the couch to the best of my ability. It’s like being on a ship in the middle of a storm. It lists, tosses, pitches. The furniture dances, objects spin in a wild dance around me. On the wall, just behind the glass display unit, a crack has appeared. That’s strange. The material used in the building is supposed to be indestructible.
       From time to time, I still catch the news, when it isn’t brutally interrupted: dams are breaking, the sea is rising everywhere, tsunamis are ravaging the coasts and pushing farther and farther inland. Entire islands have disappeared!
       This was supposed to happen. It’s the natural order of things. Earth has long experienced many major climatic crises and always managed to survive. What’s the point in worrying? I’m staggered by the speed at which people panic. At least now no one has time to worry about me. I receive no messages from my wife, nor from my friends or my children. I would have liked to wish Leonore happy birthday. Six years old already! Where did all those years go? No doubt they’re sealed away somewhere like larva, waiting for the situation to improve.


       I’m alone with my instrument. Alone as I’ve always wanted to be.
       Water pounds the windows. It’s almost as if the rain is beating down on the city horizontally. Down below, where there used to be a street packed with people, a river flows. It carries objects of all kinds: store displays, garbage cans, vehicles. I think I’ve even seen a few bodies.
       Tsunamis, earthquakes, tsunamis. Our Earth is thirsty.
       I no longer catch the news. All broadcasts stopped a long time ago. The public lighting no longer works. I live in the shadow, barely brightened by our Moon, which floats, round and high, above the city.
       I don’t care. I’ve almost reached my goal.
       This evening I’ll get there, I’ll draw the sound from my instrument…
       Just one minor adjustment. One minor adjustment that’s not important at all, an ultimate variation in frequency, and everything will be fine.
       … the Perfect Chord.
       It will leap from the strings of the H’la, the Harp-Lute of Transformations, rise in the dark living room, fill the damp air, fly over the city and its suburbs, mingle with the water that has returned to a wild state. It will be a baptism of sound, colors, shapes, sensations, like those I received on Edena during the transfer ceremony.
       Then, a new world will start. A world transformed thanks to me.
       I understand now. The H’la has only one master.
       It plays only for me.
       For me alone.


Laurence Suhner is a Swiss science fiction novelist. She is the author of QuanTika, a trilogy that stages the encounter between humans and an ancient stellar civilization, which has left mysterious remnants on a frozen telluric exoplanet.  Fond of quantum physics and astrophysics, she loves to collaborate with scientists to create realistic imaginary worlds as depicted in hard science fiction. Before working as a writer, scriptwriter and illustrator, she studied Egyptology, anthropology, English literature and, more recently, 3D computer graphics.  She currently teaches comics, script writing and creative writing at the University of Geneva and in a Swiss special effects and virtual reality school. 

With undergraduate and graduate degrees in translation from the Université de Montréal and a doctorate in interdisciplinary studies from Concordia University, Sheryl Curtis is a professional translator living in Canada. Her translations have appeared in InterZone, Galaxy’s Edge, Year’s Best SF4, the SFWA European Hall of Fame, Expiration Date, The Year’s Best Fantasy and Horror 15, various Tesseracts anthologies, and elsewhere.