mirror
imagine looking at yourself in the mirror
right after a hot shower
that’s how social interaction feels to me
as if experienced through a layer of otherness
now imagine that when you run your hand over it
to clear the mirror
the mirrored images looks back a you puzzled
as if you just did something completely alien
and most of the time it’s really subtle I grow distant and
and you likely don’t fully notice it I can’t explain it and
just think I’m a little awkward I don’t want to but
but fun, I don’t understand what’s missing for
but then you get to know me I feel like I’m still the same but
and I’m really amazing I’m not and
the ways I speak and think about the word I’m often quiet but
it’s so far from anything you’ve ever met I’ve been that often before but
I’m so unique I’m distant but
and then it’s been a year that’s nothing new and
and it’s not going away then I pull away and
and it’s like I see the world differently can’t explain it and
and it’s not so cute anymore it breaks up and
and there seems to be very real life concepts and
that I don’t really get I meet someone new and
or don’t want to talk about it’s really subtle and
or know to talk about most likely you don’t really notice it but
or the uniqueness has turned to oddness over time it wasn’t until I met you who
and then the fighting starts could see me
and I’m really stubborn through the foggy mirror
and can see it from your perspective knew I needed to see myself first
and it’s great helped me understand
but so how an Autistic life
something is missing can look so similar
and the fighting continues while being so different
and it gets worse it’s not like we’ve figured it out
and it breaks up we’ve just found a squeegee
to try and better clear the mirror
Troels Steenholdt Heiredal (b. 1984, he/him/they) is an Autistic / neuroqueer artist and architect examining the differences between explaining and exploring disability. He grew up in Toftlund, Denmark, and currently lives and works in Taipei, Taiwan. His writing has appeared or is forthcoming in PLAT Journal 13, Star 82 Review, Ranger Magazine, Taipei Poetry Collective, arq: Architectural Research Quarterly, Vallum Magazine, Frazzled Lit, Wishbone, and Otherwise Magazine. www.troelsheiredal.com | @t.heiredal on IG
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