in this hydrocortisone house
arguments gust, increase knots
till soil, host two truths and a lie:
1. all my fiction is true
2. all 卖 (mài)[1] fiction is true
3. all my fickle 身 (shen)[2] is true
here, eggs are whipped frothy
with chopsticks, bilingual morning news
booming over the crowded kitchen island.
here, you can find mama in the garden,
mornings gloved in solitude.
the hummingbirds ask her again:
what’s the hypotenuse of lonely?
against a plume of kangaroo paws,
mama sprinkles crumbled eggshells
onto various plants: fertilizer full of calcium.
it’s either used for that or for family walks,
marriage on decline, domestic pantomime.
here, filial personalities pang like canker sores.
baby mangosteen observes parents bicker
behind the banister. two shadows
blustering: couda shoudas flung.
scalding wool words of chinglish
subtitled mandarin overheard.
sometimes mama & baba garden together, armistice.
curry trellises. pick cucumbers. check on the succulents.
this tender teamwork has the sweaty seedlings relieved.
baby mangosteen learns to think cubist for survival,
renovates maslow’s triangle of needs for 开心[3]
sharing only tufts of truth to either parent,
keeps her gay shrouded beneath marine layers.
she doesn’t recall a period when she liked hugging
baba. she does recall the truculent epoch she’d fake sleep
when he’d visit her near midnight after working the ER.
here, vertebrae can’t wait to grow up
especially when splintered adults
don’t understand chromosomes
arrive knowing how to refract
not reflect, some viscous violet truth—
of mimicry, of men.
[1] sold
[2] spirit, heart, ghost
[3] open heart; open mind; jubilee
EMDASH AKA Emily Lu Gao (高璐璐) is a writer, open mic maker, and child of Chinese immigrants. She writes to heal, grow, and decolonize. They’ve earned funding from Sundress Publications, Bread Loaf Environmental Writers Conference, Jersey City Arts Council, Minnesota Northwoods Writers Conference, and Rutgers-Newark—where they received an MFA in Poetry and taught undergraduates. She has also received a Best of the Net 2023 nomination in poetry and microfiction. For publication and performance history, visit emdashsays.com. They are Missouri-born, California-raised and based in anxiety. When not writing, she’s likely telling one too many jokes.
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