Tachycardia
Patient may have permanent heart damage post-surgery. It’s too soon to tell. Patient should closely monitor heart activity when exercising, walking, & sitting. Regular appointments with doctors should be kept.
Q: What is not punishment but feels like it?
A: Knowing someone else is kissing the person you want.
My heart is better broken
all the doors open
My heart is better melted
drip drip rain pelted
My heart is better blocked
inside a wooden box
Patient’s heart reached 180 bpm while she was at a poetry reading.
Patient’s heart reached 182 bpm while she was thinking about him.
Patient’s heart reached 194 bpm in her sleep. She was dreaming about sex.
Patient’s heart reached 192 bpm when she opened her dresser & found her mother had rearranged all her lingerie while she was in the hospital, folded it neatly, & put it in the bottom drawer, including the corset, the straps.
Patient’s heart reached 210 bpm while sitting on the couch thinking about sex with him.
Recommendation: patient needs to stop thinking about him & what her mother thinks.
Q: What brings people towards you?
A: Fantasy.
We collaborated on sourness. The mystery of the lemon. The passion of the lemon. The brutality of the lemon. The sideways glance of a lemon. The pretending of a lemon. The army of a lemon.
We collaborated on moons. Young moon. Bird moon. Done moon. Vicious moon. Hungry moon. Summon moon. Cruel moon. Leather moon. Bring us together moon. Bite moon. Pleasure moon. Treasure moon. Sigh moon. Tide moon. Patient moon.
We collaborated on thirst. We drank the desert to be together. We were one-armed saints praying.
Diary entry May 5th 2020: I can’t wait to touch a person again. I can’t wait to touch him.
Diary entry December 29th 2020: he’s the only person I’ve touched for a year.
Q: What pushes people away from you?
A: Reality.
Reality: patient has depression + low self-esteem + CPTSD from adulthood formed in chaotic romantic relationships with partners with substance abuse + domestic violence+++++++++
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Reality: he prefers his women less traumatized, & 10 years younger than me.
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Reality: no heart restoration is available. Learning to live with changes.
Patient’s heart reached 165 bpm walking.
Patient’s heart reached 180 bpm while crying.
Recommendation: more walking, less crying.
Q: What feels like a leash but isn’t?
A: Attraction.
The tourist attraction of my body. I now keep it closed to visitors.
He was the last person to enjoy my unscarred body. He has the only photos of my unscarred body. Part of me worries he deleted them. They’re the only record of me before all the pain. I need that version of me to exist somewhere. I want to ask him to keep them, keep them for my sake, but we’re not even speaking. How can I ask him to hold a version of me that is already gone? A version I couldn’t even keep?
Q: What feels like a collar but isn’t?
A: When his energy lingers.
August 2022
to: suzanne @…………… @gmail.com
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii silence. I am just bad iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiline. My own feelings are easy biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. I fear iiiiiiiiii the wrong tiiiiiiiiiiii not enough of the right eiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Silence is iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii intending silence. Iooooon meaning t…………………………………..
I do think about you a lot … I miss ooooooooooooo I miss oiiiiiiiiiiiiii with you. I miss tiiii………how ……………………… secrets like how I………………………….e flying n ………………………………….h is validating.
I……………. write more bu…………………… I should g………………… Maybe we could t……………………….. I miss you.
My heart is better wicked
perfectly restricted
My heart is better ridden
like a wild horse in submission
My heart is better wishing
searching, static, transmitting
Patient’s heart reached 176 bpm while laughing with her friends.
Patient’s heart reached 177 bpm while riding her bike.
Patient’s heart reached 186 bpm while watching her friends get married.
Recommendation: normal-ish.
My heart is better stone
found in the ground like bones
My heart is better anchored
like a shoreline it grows fainter
Ekphrasis Watching Youtube Video of Woman Cutting off Her Submissive Binding Collar:
the subject slices the master
the obedient lacerates the king
the meek subverts the chief
the leatherette squeezes the dominant
the passive jeopardizes the upper hand
the limited ravages the rules
& yet, she cannot stop crying while she’s cutting.
My heart is better loved
wide open turtle dove
Suzanne Richardson earned her MFA at the University of New Mexico. She is a writer living in Binghamton, New York, and a Ph.D. student in creative writing at SUNY Binghamton. Her writing has appeared in Bomb Magazine, Gulf Coast, Poet Lore, Florida Review, DIALOGIST, Columbia Journal and New Ohio Review, among others. Find more of her writing at suzannerichardsonwrites.tumblr.com. Catch her on Twitter as @oozannesay.
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